It’s Hard to Get Lost if You Don’t Know Where You’re Going

No Joy

moon

So, okay, I haven’t been on in ages. I know this. As always, it’s been weird, but rest assured, I’m still here, still couchsurfing, still working on being okay with it. I’ve just been on a sort of hiatus, and here’s why.

It was November, right near the end, right after I kind of went sort of insane for a little bit and was drinking so much like some kind of damn burnout when I lost my head and scared myself and didn’t talk to anyone for a few days until I got my wits back about me, that I moved in with Haley Hannah Harrison and started spending an awful lot of time with her.

God, I was off the rails.

Anyway. So, Haley Hannah Harrison. I wasn’t sure what to expect staying with her and really I wasn’t planning on staying too long either. We’d hung out a few times before, but we didn’t know each other too well, more that we just had mutual friends than anything, so to be honest, I was surprised when she offered me her couch at all, let alone sort of indefinitely, since we weren’t too close or anything. But I’m glad she did because this has been a real time of good healing, and now we’re a lot closer. I haven’t been drinking nearly as much as I was, and haven’t gotten, like, real fucked up since November. My problem then, and even still now a bit I guess, is that I just get so damn slow and it’s all I care to do. It’s all that makes any sense to stop the feels from washing over and taking me away way off into space.

So, I can’t tell you how good it is to have someone good here with me, who’s not just pushing bottles and pills and powders at me to get fucked up every night, which up to this point is mostly all any of my friends have been doing. Just have a beer and you’ll be good as new, they say. Just stop thinking about it. They point to the bottom of a bottle of gin and say, See that? Down there? That’s your happiness. That’s your inspiration. That’s how you get past this. You gotta drink yer way there!

And that’s what I’d do. These guys are an infection.

But with Haley Hannah Harrison it’s different, and I was starting to feel better. Mostly.

Sometimes I still get sad. I was feeling real down the other day and I wasn’t with anybody at the time, since Haley Hannah Harrison was out — and, well, fuck everyone else — and I didn’t have anyone else to call up so I gave my old friend Sam a call just out of the blue. She’s in church school out in somewhere, I don’t remember where. We haven’t talked in years. Anyway, I called her and we got all caught up and she told me about church school. Then I told her I’m homeless ‘cause my roommate’s dead and all I do now is drink and wish I was dead, too, and the conversation sort of skidded to an awkward halt as she tried to collect and make sense of what I was telling her and puzzle out just who I was, or rather, who I’ve become. As a sort of reassurance or condolence or some positive words of encouragement, she said, At least he didn’t die of a heroin overdose.

Her laugh sucked, so I hung up the phone and gave up on her for good.

Sometimes I just want to scream. Like there’s this force that starts at my toes and comes rushing up through my body, but stops right at the bottom of my throat. It just sits there, boiling. I can feel it. It’s right there, but I can’t let it out because then somebody might hear. Is this normal? I don’t know.

Sometimes I think I’m in trouble.

And now what follows is a series of disparate events of note and some thoughts I’ve been thinking on for a while.

I had a dream the other night I was on this plane one very unlucky day. The date is insignificant, but everyone in the dream knew this would be one widely unlucky day for all. The date was January 13th, 2013, in case you were wondering. So, we were coming in for a landing in Chicago and started flying very low through the city, in between the tall buildings. It was great fun up until the very end, when I saw out the window everything turned a sharp ninety degrees and I realized we were going down and I wasn’t going to make it back. None of us was. We plummeted and my stomach jumped and we all died in flames, and that’s the image I woke up to the next morning. Threw my whole day off that day.

I’m very disenchanted with life right now. I want to be right again. Not right as in correct, but right as in whole. I want to be whole again. I want to do other things with my life than just be depressed all the time.

I made a discovery in the last month, since I stopped drinking so much, and it’s causing me some distress. I have no joy in life. Even when I’m in a good mood, I’m not happy. Even all this time with Haley Hannah Harrison. It’s good and she’s great, but I can’t enjoy any of it. I don’t enjoy things. I don’t look forward to things. She asked if I’m suicidal. I told her No, and I meant it. I really did. What I told her is, I wouldn’t even have the motivation to ever go through with it, I said. I told her that instead, I’d rather just forget it all and go to sleep, sleep and never wake up, ever.

This is the beginning, I think. This is the beginning of alcoholism. First, when things are good, you drink to have fun, and then something terrible happens and you drink to forget it, and before you know it all you’re doing is drinking and trying to have fun and forgetting the bad stuff, and eventually, all you’re doing is drinking and forgetting. And then you’re an alcoholic.

But don’t get me wrong, it’s been good here with Haley Hannah Harrison. I can’t believe it’s been two months now I’ve been here with her, and thank God she’s been okay with it. But as good as it’s been and as good as her company has been, I’ve got a real dilemma, and my dilemma is this: When I first began this couchsurfing adventure — if you can even call it that, an “adventure” — I told myself I couldn’t get comfortable. I couldn’t settle anywhere until I found an answer, or at the very least, a question. I told myself I would be transient. Nothing was permanent, I said, and that’s how I would protect myself, by not getting attached, physically or emotionally. I’ve got one suitcase with a couple things in it, and even that, I could take it or leave it. After Aaron died and I got booted out of my apartment, I went into this time with an open mind and nothing tying me down. I’m just seeing what’s out there.

It’s hard to get lost if you don’t know where you’re going.

Trouble is, I think I’ve broken my rule here with Haley Hannah Harrison, and I hate myself for it. I said I couldn’t get attached, but I totally did. I wasn’t supposed to get too comfy here, but I’ve found myself falling into routine, and it’s starting to feel like home. I’ve grown closer to her than I ever expected I would. I’ve gained a new person. It feels like home here, but I know it isn’t. It’s her home and I can’t stay, and I’ve been trying not to think about it. But this is it. I’ve got to keep going, somewhere, I don’t know where.

I’ll give myself till the end of the week here with her. Then it’s time to move on. I’ll find a new couch in a week. But for now, I’m here with Haley Hannah Harrison. And things are good.

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