A Bunch of Dumb Animals
This is a weird time for me, and man, I gotta figure some shit out. Maybe this will help?
I think I’m still in shock. It’s been a week now since it all got weird and nothing is real anymore. Nothing makes sense. My head goes all fuzzy and sometimes I start to laugh, and I swear to God I have no idea why. Anyway, then I feel guilty laughing because no one else is, and there’s nothing you want to be laughing about anyway. Everyone else is either in tears or in some kind of zombie-state. And I guess I’m kind of a zombie, too, but like a different kind of zombie, like one that laughs for no reason and then feels bad about it.
I just feel like I should be doing something. Or like I could have done something. And now I’m not doing much of anything, just drifting from one day to the next. It’s like I’m hovering an inch above the ground and I can’t quite grab onto things, like magnetic opposites or something. I swear, I think I’ve unhinged my brain. It’s hard to describe, but it’s like things just aren’t firing anymore. I used to think I was pretty goddamn smart, I really did. I’d write all the time and I thought I wasn’t bad, really, and everything was fine. It was good. But lately I’ve been feeling dull and dumb, like I can’t do good brain-things no more, or whatever.
Then again, I’ve been reading about absurdism a lot, and I’m beginning to wonder if we aren’t all a little dumb. If that’s the case, I don’t feel so guilty laughing because I realize maybe everything and everyone is just as dumb as I am. It’s like this. This is how I see it. I picture a bunch of early homo-sapiens, some real neanderthal-types, squatting around and picking up rocks and checking what’s underneath them, banging them together, chucking them around, and chewing on them and whatever, all trying to find meaning in their meaningless world. Then there’s me, another neanderthal-type just like the rest of them, perched up on this bigger rock surveying the whole spectacle, and I’m laughing my goddamn ass off because I know they don’t have a fucking clue and won’t ever find a single answer underneath those rocks. Even the ones that think they’ve got it all sorted out, even they don’t have a fucking clue. And anyway, even if they did find an answer, some other neanderthal, some more advanced homo-sapiens or something, will just come up with a different answer or a better one, and in the end none of it changes a damn thing as far as I’m concerned. I still feel all hazy and shit. It’s all just absurd. We’re all just stuck in this place, just a bunch of dumb animals with clothes on, picking up rocks, thinking we’re smart, and trying and failing to make sense of it all.
Jesus, that’s dismal, but right now it’s what I’ve got. Nothin’ to do but embrace the absurd. And hey, this way I can laugh till I’m blue in my damn face.